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As far as I can tell, this may well be the end. However, like life, the end of one thing can also be the beginning of something else. I haven't felt compelled to rant or rave or indulge in spilling my feelings about my relationships here lately. Part of that has to do with the fact that when there is an issue between myself and the love of my life, it is something that we work through, discuss, and figure out together. Even though it can be work, it is such a wonder to be able to do that, and know that I can feel comfortable doing that again in the future when an issue crops up between us. It's such a surprise because during the 10 years that preceded my meeting with this wonderful, extraordinary woman, I had a very poor representation of what an intimate relationship could be. What I took away from that is an infinite sense of gratitude for what I've found.

As I say, there has been little reason for me to write here, because any problems I would discuss, I tend to discuss with her. We are on the path towards making our lives more closely intertwined. Sometimes it surprises me when she wants to get this squared away sooner (we both tend to be very pragmatic, even about these sorts of circumstances), when I am conscious of how much ground work needs to be done before hand, and tend to be more patient. It's uncanny to know that she feels so strongly, despite all of my flaws. And it's comforting to know that I don't feel any hesitancy, uncertainty, or indecisiveness when it comes to contemplating our future.

While I haven't felt compelled to write about personal matters, I have found the compulsion to start other LJ's too strong to resist. It is too tempting to resist the urge to write about my reaction to fiction; especially on television, movies, and books. I like commenting in detail about the sort of fiction that interests me, especially when I have strong opinions about what works, or how things could have been done better. I've also opened a third LJ, because I couldn't pass up the chance to comment on politics (although I think I take too much pleasure in mocking politicians, maybe it's not good for me).

Anyway, I think my finally commentary will be in regards to the ending credit titles. I've chosen the song "All Along The Watch Tower" as heard on the soundtrack for Season Three of Battlestar Galactica. My understanding is that the song is meant to herald an apocalyptic ending, yet some covers of the song have suggested a cyclical view of passing ages. It is the more positive interpretation that is meant, here. The song signals the intended end of this journal, but holds the promise that I continue beyond the confines of this journal.

Current Music: All Along the Watch Tower

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I sat at my computer for long minutes trying to sort out what I wanted to say, and just the right way to say it. I don't know if I am giving up on this journal, but it feels like I've reached a point of transition that is significant regarding what this journal is all about, or perhaps what it means to me.

I am relieved to say that it is not just because I got the girl. It's partly related, but there's more to it, really. For one thing, there's a whole circle of friends that are just wonderful to spend time with, and I've been in the middle of experiencing life more fully than I ever imagined I would, on my own initiative. I find myself more and more reluctant to chronicle these events.

Regarding my new very special lady, I couldn't be happier. She is very beautiful, and not in superficial ways. I don't want to try and predict where things go from here. All is well.

It makes me reflect with a certain amount of regret, though, on what this journal is with regard to someone else. My new love and I are committed to channelling our energies in positive ways. We complain about things in life if we feel we need to get it out of our system, but after that we are dedicated to letting that stuff go and forge ahead to where we can hopefully make something good come out of what goes bad or wrong. And then there's the old saying: "if you don't have anything nice to say..."

Sometimes, I think we do need to, though. Particularly if, for example, a critical reaction can result in any kind of improvement. Or if it's therapuetic to say something and be done with it. It's completely useless for me to go back and try and figure out if any of my rants in this journal serve this purpose. My regret is that I think my journal has been focused on the negative aspects of someone else, and is not balanced by positive aspects. I could say to myself, "Well, balance it out by writing about all that is positive with this new lady," but I don't feel like I want to go that route. I don't want to write anything that could be misinterpreted. I haven't bothered to look back and read my journal, but with regard to one person, it has served as a long, dark tea time for my soul. And yes, I couldn't resist the temptation to reference Douglas Adams.

As for LJ in general, I still feel a compulsion to write, yet my energy feels redirected. I've been drafting essays and articles and commentaries on fiction in different mediums that interest me, mainly science fiction and fantasy. I might also toy with the idea of including music, but it would be mainly soundtrack music. Only one of these has been posted so far, and that's on a new LJ I've started. I want it to be available to friends I know in real life, as well as LJ users, but unconnected to this journal.
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Over the past several months, I've become closer to someone I met at the dance clubs. I always sensed her attention, and ever since I found out more about our shared interests during a friendly late night dinner with a few other friends, things have gradually developed between us. Even as I was rather shallowly distracted by another girl in that crowd, and puzzling through the slow enigmatic entropy between myself and the one who pretended to love me, our friendship has grown.

She really is a wonder to me, the way we have moments where we are thinking the same thing, the way she likes all the stuff that I do yet with her feet still firmly on the ground. In so many ways, she is so much more admirable than the other lady who no longer bothers to talk to me. She has confidence in herself, is upbeat and happy, and realistic. She keeps busy and is astonishingly good at multi-tasking, yet never gives me the feeling that she's too busy to give me attention. Sometimes I catch myself comparing and contrasting her to my previous lady love, but she's just so many light years beyond deserving that sort of evaluation; I end up just thinking about all that's great about her, regardless of the other one. If I had to choose between the two, well, I really wouldn't; I know who I would turn to every time without hesitation.

I like the fact that it's been a gradual thing. And although my curiosity is piqued as to how things will go from where I am now, I don't feel like I need to rush things; this feels so healthy. All that's going through my head transcends a distantly felt relief that I'm not always be going in circles with the other girl; forever on again, off again. I feel like I'm free of a cycle I wasn't sure I would ever escape.

Current Mood: Entranced

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I feel tempted, occasionally, to say that I wish I could read faster. Except that it's not true. Not entirely true. I figure by the time I finish book seven, everyone will have chatted and theorized and essayed the thing to death; and any online discussion will have come and gone. I just can't get through my head how some people can plow through a 759 page book in a day (I know one person who shot through it in eight hours). It drives my eyes and my brain crazy if I try and force myself to read farther than I am prepared to. I can only take in so much information at a time, before I need to pause and let my mind process it for a while. What this all means is that, now, at the approach of the one week mark, I'm less than half way through the thing. I don't want to force myself to read it faster and thusly take away from the point of the book, which is to enjoy the experience of reading it.

It's a shame to be behind on any discussions about it though. This one girl at one of the regular dance nights has prodded my to finish it, to get my review. Well it's nice to know that my thoughts and reaction are of interest. It was a happy coincidence that I saw her at the midnight release party at one of the bookstores; I would have been so bored otherwise (no one to hang out with). I was stuck outside the bookstore for the forty minutes leading up to the release, and she helped to pass the time away, just talking. Then I ended up waiting 'til slightly past 1:00 to actually get my hands on the book, as the letter on my ticket was farther along in the alphabet (she was more clever about it, getting her ticket way in advance, so she was out of there much sooner). She told me later on Monday she had finished the book in eight hours, chronicling the passage of time meticulously on paper. How endearingly bookish!

On another topic, a few weeks ago a package came in from the substitute services office. A new copy of the substitute teacher's handbook, and a new pad of job information sheets, to write daily job information. Even though I haven't finished with the old one from the end of last year, the new one was like a message to me: "You're doing fine, we need help filling in the gaps, and we'd like to continue having you on board; welcome back." I feel very encouraged.
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I've set this journal to friends only, for reasons that I'm not sure I understand anymore. Maybe down the road, I'll open all the entries up for public access, particularly if someone can describe a shortcut that will manage the task quicker. Until then, should anyone look in here for curiosities sake, it's mainly about social life and relationships, and the chronicles of occasional events of varying levels of importance in my life. I do my best to comment on the journals of those who friend me.
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I'm not entirely sure why I've been preoccupied with the desire to make a new start. My journal to this point has mainly been about events in my life, with an intended emphasis on social endeavors. No matter what else happens, it remains a place for me to write about deeper, inner thoughts that I don't want to share with anyone I know in real life. My mind wants to tend towards compartmentalization, and I've been wanting to comment on sci fi and fantasy, books that I've read, movies and television that I've watched (or rewatched and experienced a shift in perspect about).

I've resisted this; for reasons I can't explain it would seem strange to start going into this stuff more, given the tone I've established so far in this journal.

So I've been considering starting a new journal that is more inclusive of these aspects of my life that I haven't been journalling about, yet would like too. And to make it available to my friends in real life. Perhaps it will come to nothing, ultimately. I will continue this journal, but it will remain a place of more private thoughts. For this reason, I have gone through all my entries to make them friends only, in the event that I really decide to follow through.

Please, I would really love to hear any and all input, reactions, critcal response, or suggestions for amended courses of action, no matter what it is.

Current Mood: curious, unsure
Current Music: President Flavia/Timelord theme--Doctor Who

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